Beneath every behaviour, there is a feeling. And beneath every feeling is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behaviour, we begin to deal with the cause and not the symptom.
How many of us walk around day to day with unmet needs?
We all have needs. But some of us have been taught that, maybe, our needs aren’t important. Or maybe our needs don’t matter. We’ve learned that it’s safer to minimize, hide, or ignore our needs because expressing them often feels like we’re opening ourselves up to disappointment. Let down. Rejection. Maybe judgement? Some of us have been conditioned to believe that asking for what we need is a sign of weakness and selfishness, it makes us an inconvenience.
But here’s the harsh truth: ignoring our needs doesn’t make them go away, instead, they show up in our emotions and behaviours.
When Our Needs Go Unmet, We Feel It
What happens when you ignore your needs? Well, they’ll do their best to make you listen. They’ll show up in your emotions and behaviours. And eventually, it will affect your health. We think we can just push our needs aside, but the reality is this: the more we neglect them, the louder they become.
The Emotions that Hide the Pain
Anger is the most obvious emotion that comes from unmet needs. It’s also often the loudest. It stems from feeling unheard, dismissed, or unsupported. Anger masks the deeper feelings of pain, suffering, and any feelings related to unworthiness. It’s easier to be angry than to face the vulnerability of sadness or the shame of feeling like you’re not enough. Sometimes, it’s the anger that finally forces you to pay attention to what’s been suppressed for too long.
Sadness comes next. That heaviness you can’t quite shake. This feeling can be hard to sit with because it’s so uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable because it’s raw, vulnerable, and forces you to come to terms with what’s missing. It’s that deep sense of loss—whether it’s for love, attention, or just simply being seen and heard. So, instead of allowing yourself to feel it, we might try to distract ourselves by staying busy.
Then comes the resentment. It builds over time when you feel your needs go ignored. It’s the bitterness that builds when you’re constantly giving, but never receiving. It’s the feeling of being taken for granted, for being the one who’s always there for others but never for yourself. Resentment grows because, deep down, you’ve convinced yourself that no one sees what you need, or maybe, that you don’t deserve it.
Lastly, it’s the guilt and shame. This is the one I struggled with for the longest time. Guilt makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong by asking for what you need—you feel like you’re a burden. And then shame tells you that you’re not worthy of having your needs met in the first place. This cycle of emotions feeds on your vulnerability, making you feel small and insignificant.
Our unmet needs don’t just speak through our emotions—our behaviours tell a story too.
The Behaviours that Hide the Pain
People-pleasing. Maybe you go above and beyond for everyone around you because you’re desperate for validation—you’re desperate for someone to see you. You say “yes” when you mean “no”, putting others’ needs before your own.
Perfectionism. This looks like constantly striving to get everything right, to never make mistakes. We overcompensate, trying to prove we are enough. Because if we can meet these standards we have for ourselves, maybe—just maybe—people will finally see us and accept us, right?
Avoidance. You pull back from situations, people, or conversations because you fear neglect, conflict or rejection. This can look like shutting down emotionally, cutting ties abruptly, isolating, or withdrawing into yourself to avoid more anticipated pain.
Self-Sabotage. When unmet needs create feelings of unworthiness, it can lead to behaviours that reinforce those beliefs. Procrastination, neglecting your health, staying in toxic relationships, avoiding difficult conversations, and overworking, are all ways we unconsciously act out our pain.
Overwhelming reactions. When our needs are ignored for too long, the emotions tied to them can’t be contained. This often results in emotional outbursts—whether that’s anger, rage, crying, or sudden moments of just complete overwhelm. These reactions are a release of built-up frustration and pain.
The Reality of Unmet Needs: Why It Matters
Ignoring or neglecting your needs has a real impact. It doesn’t just affect how you feel in the moment, it shapes who you are. This is why addressing your needs is essential.
Your needs are non-negotiable. They aren’t something you can just dismiss or put off. They are fundamental to your well-being. When you ignore your needs, you’re sending yourself a message that says “you don’t matter”—and that’s a story you can’t afford to keep living.
You’re not asking for too much. Society has conditioned us to believe that expressing our needs is a sign of weakness or inconvenience. But here’s the truth: Your needs are VALID. You don’t need to earn the right to be heard or validated. You don’t need to prove that you’re worthy of help or support. If you don’t express your needs, how can you expect them to be met?
Your health is at risk. Continuously neglecting your needs damages your health. It impacts your well-being affecting you emotionally, mentally, and physically, creating space for long-term consequences. Ignoring your needs only leads to more pain, more stress, and more suffering.
You teach others how to treat you. When you don’t set clear boundaries or express your needs, you’re inadvertently teaching the people around you, how to treat you. You’re sending the message that neglect and disrespect are okay. When you allow your needs to go unnoticed, others will mirror that behaviour. But when you start standing up for your needs, you show people how to respect and value you. You don’t need to prove yourself by sacrificing your well-being. You teach others by example, and in doing so, you demand more—not just from yourself, but from the people around you.
Breaking the Cycle
So how do we break the cycle? How do we get out of this loop where unmet needs become the root of our emotional distress and ‘destructive‘ behaviours? The first step is acknowledging that we deserve to have our needs met. We don’t need to earn it, beg for it, or convince anyone we’re worth it. But that’s not always easy. The real question is: are we willing to stop settling for less than what we need?
So where do we start?
Acknowledge Your Needs. It all starts with being honest with yourself. What do you really need? Do you need more connection, respect, validation, or maybe just time for yourself? Get specific. Name it. Your needs matter.
Challenge that fear of conflict. Sometimes, our biggest barrier to getting our needs met is the fear that asking will lead to conflict. But let’s be honest—after seeing the turmoil that is caused by not having our needs met, is avoiding that external conflict worth the internal conflict?
Set the damn boundaries. Boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re survival. Learn to say “no” more. Setting boundaries is how you protect your well-being and ensure that your needs are respected. Start small. Set boundaries in everyday situations, even if they seem minor. These little wins build your confidence, and over time give you the strength to flex your boundary muscles in tougher, and bigger situations.
Speak up. Start expressing your needs. This will feel uncomfortable at first, especially if this is something that is new to you. But it’s necessary. Let people know where you stand, what you need, and what you’re no longer willing to tolerate.
And lastly, be willing to walk away. Your well-being is a non-negotiable. Never settle for less than you deserve. If your needs are consistently ignored, don’t hesitate to cut ties with people or situations that aren’t serving you.
Breaking the cycle isn’t just about saying ‘no’ or setting boundaries. It’s about rebuilding trust in yourself, it’s about remembering that your needs are not optional. This work is hard, exhausting, and often painful—but it’s the only way to reclaim your sense of worth and start living a life that honours who you really are.